I’ve come to understand that the root cause of sadness, worries, anxieties, and depression is resistance—resistance to what’s happening and a desire for things to be different. This resistance stems from wanting to control what is beyond our control.
People generally fall into two categories regarding their pursuit of happiness. The first type focuses solely on external achievements. When things don’t go their way, they resist the situation, leading to unhappiness. This is common and often visible in many people. When such individuals face significant grief or sadness, they may be advised to accept the situation and seek happiness from within.
However, this leads us to the second type—those who prioritize their inner state for happiness. This can sometimes create another form of resistance: not being okay with not being okay or struggling to accept the situation. They start resisting resistance itself.
Consider two scenarios:
- Person A: This person focuses on external achievements for happiness. When they don’t get a promotion they desperately wanted, they feel extremely sad. Their unhappiness stems from an external factor beyond their control.
- Person B: This person prioritizes mental health and strives to be content with what they have. When they don’t get the promotion, they tell themselves it’s okay and try to push the thought away. However, the unaddressed sadness lingers as an internal heaviness. Eventually, they might think, “I don’t want this to affect me. I want to be okay with not getting the promotion. Why am I not okay with it?” This adds another layer of resistance. They’re resisting the external circumstance and also resisting their own resistance.
We often fail to understand that, just like external outcomes, our thoughts, feelings, and emotions are also beyond our control. The mind thinks what it wants, and the heart feels what it feels.
A healthier approach is to accept that it’s okay to feel disappointed about not achieving a goal, like missing out on a promotion. It’s natural to feel sad about unfulfilled desires, especially after putting in a lot of effort. Remind yourself that this feeling is part of being human and that no emotion is permanent. Allow the sadness to be there, knowing that it will pass. Embracing the transient nature of thoughts and emotions can be freeing and help reduce the layers of resistance that contribute to unhappiness.
True happiness comes not from the absence of sadness but from the acceptance of it. In letting go of the need to control every aspect of our experience, we find the peace that resides within acceptance.
